BPOV
“Come on. Let's go for a walk. We both need to hunt and I need to talk to you.”
I looked up at Jasper and nodded. I told Jake and Emmett we were going out to hunt and we'd be back, that we have our cell phones on us if needed, and put the numbers in Jake's newly acquired phone in case he and Emmett were separated for some reason. Jasper was waiting at the door, a small bag in hand, his eyes still dark from our trial earlier. I recalled Alice's note and stuffed a small blanket into my backpack and followed him. Our first stop was the woods from earlier, each of us quickly bagging dinner before he grabbed my arm and pulled me after him in silence. We reached the base of Pao de Acucar when he pulled a rope from his bag, looped it around his waist and did the same to my own. My confusion must have been overly strong as he turned and smiled. “Trust me. Let's climb. The view will be worth it.” I nodded and started to dig my hand into the rock, using my fingers to propel me higher. We reached the top after five or six minutes, inhuman strength and speed coming in handy.
“Jasper, it's beautiful!" The ocean surrounding us reflected the sky like a mirror, so that we were surrounded by stars. He unhooked the rope between us, coiling it back into the bag. I looked around and found a shallow hollow in the center of the clearing and spread out the blanket. Jasper looked at me questioningly, an eyebrow lifted along with a side of his mouth.
“Alice?”
I nodded, laughing. He pulled out a letter from her.
Jazzy, take her back up the mountain and apologize for being a dick, or rather for feeling with it. Sorry I can't be there to enjoy the view with the two of you, when you're done talking, toss the ashes you saved to the wind and let me scatter over the shopping district. I don't want to stay in a jar forever, love.
At the bottom, a portion was folded over with the note "For Bella's eyes only."
Bella, Aren't you glad you brought the blanket, it will make star watching more comfortable- you'll see a few shooting stars if you watch long enough. I know there's a lot you don't understand right now, but you will. Eventually. Don't be mad at my brother, he hasn't put all the pieces together yet. That's the good thing about being gone, he can't read my mind. I get one last grand game and no one knows the end but me. I hope you all have fun.
Now, go have your talk, get your guilt out of the way and go back to being a happy family. Love again, Alice.
“The Alice hath spoken. I guess we need to talk, about earlier.” Jasper put his fingers over my lips, stopping me. He pulled me down onto the blanket so we could watch the stars. We were seated beside one another, watching the moon rise.
“Let me start. I don't know exactly where or how to start except for, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled away this afternoon. You're the only person who has an idea of what I'm going through, still feeling the blood lust that strongly. It's hard that you can ignore it after a handful of months when I'm older than all but Carlisle in our household and still find myself losing control. I was trying so hard for Alice, to be the man she wanted me to be, and I don't know if I can anymore. The call never gets easier to ignore, I guess we proved that on your birthday.”
“Jasper, you are that man. The draw for blood is hard on everyone. I chose this life, I've had you all supporting me from day one. You lived a life of blood drinking, a life of war, your body is used to the taste of humans so it's harder for you to commit to being vegetarian. I get it, the whole family gets it. We want you here. You can't leave us to go back with the others. We need you. We can't lose you too.” I was shouting at him, only inches from his body. “We need you. I... I need you.” I whispered the last words.
“You need me? Why?”
I knew we were on dangerous ground that no answer would be the right one. “You're my brother, my friend, family, more. I don't know what is happening anymore. You're the widower of one of my best friends and I don't know what to say to you to make it better. It hurts me, so I can't imaging how it hurts you to be without her. I feel awful that she's gone because of me. You were all fighting to save Renesmee and I worry that you and Emmett will never forgive me. It's my fault that you are without her. I want to make it better but there aren't any vampire rulebooks laying around of how to make an Empath stop hurting.” I put my head in my hands, blinking away the unshed tears, trying to keep them to myself.
“Bella. I don't blame you. We are family. We left to find a way to save Renesmee. Alice loved you, loved your daughter. She knew what we were doing from the start and I can only blame her for not staying away. I could never blame you. Don't feel guilt over this. Yes, it hurts; it feels as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest, leaving a permanent emptiness behind, but I'll heal over time. Time is all I have. I miss her so much. She completed me in a way so that I never knew what was missing until now. She knew everything about me and I feel like I knew nothing about her or what she wanted. All she wanted was to be happy and I did everything in my power to do that. We'd go shopping together whenever she asked- do you know how many times I sat on the couch at Victoria's Secret while she danced around the store? Whenever she had a new idea, I was the first to sign on to help. Hell, I helped trap you a few times so you couldn't get away from playing Bella Barbie with her. She always had so much energy, so much she wanted to do to make everyone have everything they wanted. I just wish her last days were spent at home with everyone around her. That we'd made it home just one day sooner to give her one last day with the family. I won't leave despite how hard this life is. She didn't want that for me; I don't think I want that for me. I need to be here to help you keep Edward from killing Jake through the years, I want to watch my niece grow, I want to watch you gain control of your thirst and have you help me with mine. I'll need help controlling my emotions well I think.” He chuckled, slipping his arm around my shoulders. “I believe had Emmett been human he'd have had a heart attack on the plane. I am sorry about that. I truly didn't know what was happening. Alice had suggested the game as an icebreaker and once the hormones started flowing I couldn't stop them. I'm not used to this life without her yet. I'm used to having an outlet, someone who can ground me out when the pheromones start flying. Someone to cool me down when my anger gets out of control. You were good at that today. Just your touch and quiet words were enough to calm me so that I didn't try and get an extra snack or toss Jake through the door. I thought for a while you would have too.”
Jasper pulled his knees up to this chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. While he spoke I kept thinking back to the basement at home, when he growled at Edward. “I can feel your confusion. You're good at that one. What do you want to know, Isabella?”
I turned so that I was facing him, my legs crossed, arms resting on them. “At home, after we found the first letter, when you were holding me, you growled at Edward. Why?”
He looked shocked for a moment as he scanned his memories of the past few weeks. “On some level, I was jealous.” He put his arm on mine as I tried to protest. “Let me finish. You were crying, something none of us can do. You were crying for my wife and as selfish as it was, at the moment it felt as if you were the only one who knew how badly I was hurting, that you cared enough to cry for her. When I took you into my arms, the pain let up just a little, as if you were taking some of my pain into you, lessening how intense it felt to me. When Edward grabbed you, you shrank back into yourself, pulling your shield back and I felt hollow again. I was jealous that he had you, when you could make me feel better. I was jealous that you still had each other when I was so alone, and I was jealous that he had you, period. You are an extraordinary woman, Bella.”
I looked down at my hands and then back at him. His face was breathtaking in the moonlight. I remembered why Edward was able to dazzle me so easily. I felt my brain melting into dazzled mush, looked away, and sighed. Not knowing how to argue with him when I'm here to make him feel better. I felt his hand glide up to stroke my hair back where some strands had come loose from my ponytail, and then slide down my cheek. Jasper whispered my name so softly I had a hard time distinguishing it from imagination or reality. I felt a soft wave of affection flow from his hand. He tilted my chin so that I was looking at him, I could see the stars reflected in his eyes. I was dazzled more thoroughly by that simple look than when he had unleashed his power previously.
"We can't do this, Jasper." He pulled me onto my side so that we were laying facing one another, I closed my eyes so that I couldn't see the emotions in his eyes. I felt his breath across my face. I knew by the feel of the air that he was millimeters from my lips. His hands went down my back and I felt him press his lips against my cheek, the corner of his mouth touching mine, and he let out a frustrated whine and pulled me onto his chest.
“You're right, I'm sorry. I'm saying that a lot.” He kissed my temple and started stroking the exposed skin where my shirt had ridden up on my back.
“Don't be sorry, Jasper. It's just that we can't. I won't hurt Edward like that. I love him. You know that. It's also not what you need right now. I don't know where it leaves us as I think we both want more and I think Alice knew this was going to happen and wanted it. She seems to keep throwing us together in hopes of fireworks.”
“You're right. I had a letter before the one the family found. I was holding it in the study when you came in. She told me the next person I saw would be the key to healing my broken heart. That I would love again and while it wouldn't be like how I loved her, that it would be enough to keep me from going back to my old life. I don't know where we are going but I don't think we can go back to how we were, siblings just in a house. Alice seems to know that more could or will happen and I don't think I want to stop it. If she hadn't wanted it, she'd have stopped it. I just want us all to be happy again and when I'm with you, the pain lets up a little. I'm not ready to love anyone else. I'll never love anyone the way I loved Alice, but you are different. I already loved you as my sister, as family, maybe that's enough to hold my heart together. I don't know what we're going to tell Edward although from the conversations I've overheard I think Marcus and Alice have been working on him in the same way. So it's up to you and Edward from here. But the two of you come first. I won't see the two of you hurting because I can't keep my hands and emotions to myself. Just please don't shut me out, at least always be my friend.” Jasper fell silent and pressed my head more firmly against his chest.
I whispered “always” against his collar bone, my lips tingling softly as they skimmed over his flesh. His hand tightened in my hair as he lifted his own head to kiss the top of my head. We laid there until the stars began to fade and the sky lightened. Jasper slid out from under me and pulled a dark red glass jar from his bag.
"Alice. I loved you more than my own existence, I will until my last hunt. Thank you for sharing the journey with me and be happy where ever you may be. To love, lust, companionship, endless shopping trips, and the annoying way I could never surprise you. My heart is with you, love. I'll live like you asked, so don't wait for me." He tossed a handful of ashes to the winds and then let the jar tumble down the side, shattering on impact, the red glass catching the faint glow and shimmering in the dawn light.
He held out a hand to me and we walked down the side of the mountain in silence except for his laughter as I fell down the last twenty feet.
“Come on. Let's go for a walk. We both need to hunt and I need to talk to you.”
I looked up at Jasper and nodded. I told Jake and Emmett we were going out to hunt and we'd be back, that we have our cell phones on us if needed, and put the numbers in Jake's newly acquired phone in case he and Emmett were separated for some reason. Jasper was waiting at the door, a small bag in hand, his eyes still dark from our trial earlier. I recalled Alice's note and stuffed a small blanket into my backpack and followed him. Our first stop was the woods from earlier, each of us quickly bagging dinner before he grabbed my arm and pulled me after him in silence. We reached the base of Pao de Acucar when he pulled a rope from his bag, looped it around his waist and did the same to my own. My confusion must have been overly strong as he turned and smiled. “Trust me. Let's climb. The view will be worth it.” I nodded and started to dig my hand into the rock, using my fingers to propel me higher. We reached the top after five or six minutes, inhuman strength and speed coming in handy.
“Jasper, it's beautiful!" The ocean surrounding us reflected the sky like a mirror, so that we were surrounded by stars. He unhooked the rope between us, coiling it back into the bag. I looked around and found a shallow hollow in the center of the clearing and spread out the blanket. Jasper looked at me questioningly, an eyebrow lifted along with a side of his mouth.
“Alice?”
I nodded, laughing. He pulled out a letter from her.
Jazzy, take her back up the mountain and apologize for being a dick, or rather for feeling with it. Sorry I can't be there to enjoy the view with the two of you, when you're done talking, toss the ashes you saved to the wind and let me scatter over the shopping district. I don't want to stay in a jar forever, love.
At the bottom, a portion was folded over with the note "For Bella's eyes only."
Bella, Aren't you glad you brought the blanket, it will make star watching more comfortable- you'll see a few shooting stars if you watch long enough. I know there's a lot you don't understand right now, but you will. Eventually. Don't be mad at my brother, he hasn't put all the pieces together yet. That's the good thing about being gone, he can't read my mind. I get one last grand game and no one knows the end but me. I hope you all have fun.
Now, go have your talk, get your guilt out of the way and go back to being a happy family. Love again, Alice.
“The Alice hath spoken. I guess we need to talk, about earlier.” Jasper put his fingers over my lips, stopping me. He pulled me down onto the blanket so we could watch the stars. We were seated beside one another, watching the moon rise.
“Let me start. I don't know exactly where or how to start except for, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled away this afternoon. You're the only person who has an idea of what I'm going through, still feeling the blood lust that strongly. It's hard that you can ignore it after a handful of months when I'm older than all but Carlisle in our household and still find myself losing control. I was trying so hard for Alice, to be the man she wanted me to be, and I don't know if I can anymore. The call never gets easier to ignore, I guess we proved that on your birthday.”
“Jasper, you are that man. The draw for blood is hard on everyone. I chose this life, I've had you all supporting me from day one. You lived a life of blood drinking, a life of war, your body is used to the taste of humans so it's harder for you to commit to being vegetarian. I get it, the whole family gets it. We want you here. You can't leave us to go back with the others. We need you. We can't lose you too.” I was shouting at him, only inches from his body. “We need you. I... I need you.” I whispered the last words.
“You need me? Why?”
I knew we were on dangerous ground that no answer would be the right one. “You're my brother, my friend, family, more. I don't know what is happening anymore. You're the widower of one of my best friends and I don't know what to say to you to make it better. It hurts me, so I can't imaging how it hurts you to be without her. I feel awful that she's gone because of me. You were all fighting to save Renesmee and I worry that you and Emmett will never forgive me. It's my fault that you are without her. I want to make it better but there aren't any vampire rulebooks laying around of how to make an Empath stop hurting.” I put my head in my hands, blinking away the unshed tears, trying to keep them to myself.
“Bella. I don't blame you. We are family. We left to find a way to save Renesmee. Alice loved you, loved your daughter. She knew what we were doing from the start and I can only blame her for not staying away. I could never blame you. Don't feel guilt over this. Yes, it hurts; it feels as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest, leaving a permanent emptiness behind, but I'll heal over time. Time is all I have. I miss her so much. She completed me in a way so that I never knew what was missing until now. She knew everything about me and I feel like I knew nothing about her or what she wanted. All she wanted was to be happy and I did everything in my power to do that. We'd go shopping together whenever she asked- do you know how many times I sat on the couch at Victoria's Secret while she danced around the store? Whenever she had a new idea, I was the first to sign on to help. Hell, I helped trap you a few times so you couldn't get away from playing Bella Barbie with her. She always had so much energy, so much she wanted to do to make everyone have everything they wanted. I just wish her last days were spent at home with everyone around her. That we'd made it home just one day sooner to give her one last day with the family. I won't leave despite how hard this life is. She didn't want that for me; I don't think I want that for me. I need to be here to help you keep Edward from killing Jake through the years, I want to watch my niece grow, I want to watch you gain control of your thirst and have you help me with mine. I'll need help controlling my emotions well I think.” He chuckled, slipping his arm around my shoulders. “I believe had Emmett been human he'd have had a heart attack on the plane. I am sorry about that. I truly didn't know what was happening. Alice had suggested the game as an icebreaker and once the hormones started flowing I couldn't stop them. I'm not used to this life without her yet. I'm used to having an outlet, someone who can ground me out when the pheromones start flying. Someone to cool me down when my anger gets out of control. You were good at that today. Just your touch and quiet words were enough to calm me so that I didn't try and get an extra snack or toss Jake through the door. I thought for a while you would have too.”
Jasper pulled his knees up to this chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. While he spoke I kept thinking back to the basement at home, when he growled at Edward. “I can feel your confusion. You're good at that one. What do you want to know, Isabella?”
I turned so that I was facing him, my legs crossed, arms resting on them. “At home, after we found the first letter, when you were holding me, you growled at Edward. Why?”
He looked shocked for a moment as he scanned his memories of the past few weeks. “On some level, I was jealous.” He put his arm on mine as I tried to protest. “Let me finish. You were crying, something none of us can do. You were crying for my wife and as selfish as it was, at the moment it felt as if you were the only one who knew how badly I was hurting, that you cared enough to cry for her. When I took you into my arms, the pain let up just a little, as if you were taking some of my pain into you, lessening how intense it felt to me. When Edward grabbed you, you shrank back into yourself, pulling your shield back and I felt hollow again. I was jealous that he had you, when you could make me feel better. I was jealous that you still had each other when I was so alone, and I was jealous that he had you, period. You are an extraordinary woman, Bella.”
I looked down at my hands and then back at him. His face was breathtaking in the moonlight. I remembered why Edward was able to dazzle me so easily. I felt my brain melting into dazzled mush, looked away, and sighed. Not knowing how to argue with him when I'm here to make him feel better. I felt his hand glide up to stroke my hair back where some strands had come loose from my ponytail, and then slide down my cheek. Jasper whispered my name so softly I had a hard time distinguishing it from imagination or reality. I felt a soft wave of affection flow from his hand. He tilted my chin so that I was looking at him, I could see the stars reflected in his eyes. I was dazzled more thoroughly by that simple look than when he had unleashed his power previously.
"We can't do this, Jasper." He pulled me onto my side so that we were laying facing one another, I closed my eyes so that I couldn't see the emotions in his eyes. I felt his breath across my face. I knew by the feel of the air that he was millimeters from my lips. His hands went down my back and I felt him press his lips against my cheek, the corner of his mouth touching mine, and he let out a frustrated whine and pulled me onto his chest.
“You're right, I'm sorry. I'm saying that a lot.” He kissed my temple and started stroking the exposed skin where my shirt had ridden up on my back.
“Don't be sorry, Jasper. It's just that we can't. I won't hurt Edward like that. I love him. You know that. It's also not what you need right now. I don't know where it leaves us as I think we both want more and I think Alice knew this was going to happen and wanted it. She seems to keep throwing us together in hopes of fireworks.”
“You're right. I had a letter before the one the family found. I was holding it in the study when you came in. She told me the next person I saw would be the key to healing my broken heart. That I would love again and while it wouldn't be like how I loved her, that it would be enough to keep me from going back to my old life. I don't know where we are going but I don't think we can go back to how we were, siblings just in a house. Alice seems to know that more could or will happen and I don't think I want to stop it. If she hadn't wanted it, she'd have stopped it. I just want us all to be happy again and when I'm with you, the pain lets up a little. I'm not ready to love anyone else. I'll never love anyone the way I loved Alice, but you are different. I already loved you as my sister, as family, maybe that's enough to hold my heart together. I don't know what we're going to tell Edward although from the conversations I've overheard I think Marcus and Alice have been working on him in the same way. So it's up to you and Edward from here. But the two of you come first. I won't see the two of you hurting because I can't keep my hands and emotions to myself. Just please don't shut me out, at least always be my friend.” Jasper fell silent and pressed my head more firmly against his chest.
I whispered “always” against his collar bone, my lips tingling softly as they skimmed over his flesh. His hand tightened in my hair as he lifted his own head to kiss the top of my head. We laid there until the stars began to fade and the sky lightened. Jasper slid out from under me and pulled a dark red glass jar from his bag.
"Alice. I loved you more than my own existence, I will until my last hunt. Thank you for sharing the journey with me and be happy where ever you may be. To love, lust, companionship, endless shopping trips, and the annoying way I could never surprise you. My heart is with you, love. I'll live like you asked, so don't wait for me." He tossed a handful of ashes to the winds and then let the jar tumble down the side, shattering on impact, the red glass catching the faint glow and shimmering in the dawn light.
He held out a hand to me and we walked down the side of the mountain in silence except for his laughter as I fell down the last twenty feet.
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